I wrote the following in Wagamama this evening. Tonight was the first time in my 33 years that I've gone out for a sit down meal on my own. I've done the fast food thing alone. I've done take out alone. A lot. But I've never gone to a restaurant, sat down and had a meal, alone.
I was alone because on the way home from work I had a sudden and overwhelming urge for Wagamama, not sure why, but my partner in dine wasn't interested. As we continued along the same old roads towards home I entertained thoughts of calling my sister (doesn't like Wagamama - yeah, I know, crazy right?!!), or a mate, or someone walking down the street, but I decided it was time to take myself on a date.
I've been thinking of doing this for a little while, as part of a push to get to know myself better, and this was the perfect opportunity to get started. I went to the cinema alone for the first time last week and I really enjoyed it despite the lingering thought that I looked like a sad sack. One of the major changes I've seen in myself recently is that I care less and less about what other people think of me, and I'm really happy about that. I've spent most of my life conforming to expectations because I didn't want to stand out, and I've been working pretty hard to catch and release any judgements I decide other people are making against me, whether they really are or not.
I took a notebook with me with the intention of sketching out some website ideas, but when I put pen to paper the following poured out of me. I have no idea where it came from, and there are some parts that don't make much sense to me and other parts that I'm not sure I agree with, but this is what poured out so here it is, unedited.
For every decision there are consequences
For every dream there are risks
For every step forward there is resistance
For every journey there are changes
Letting go is hard
Holding on is tough
Room to breathe brings room to fall
Room to fall brings fear
Fear fights with logic
Logic sees the truth
Fear wants to run away and hide
The soul weeps for the path not taken
Infinite paths, destination unimportant
The journey is the crux, the core, the point
The goal is evasive, deceptive and, frankly, a bitch
The journey changes to goal, letting go is required
Perceived progress is an illusion
To define one's self is to define the illogical
To define one's self with pure logic is to deny our true nature
We laugh, we cry, we love, we hate
We overflow with emotion
Not easily ignored, not easily forgotten
We bow down to our ego
O Lord and master what is thy bidding?
Your size defines my importance
Your weight my moral conscience
Your voice, ever present
My desire for you to shut the fuck up
Should outweigh any power you have over me
"So what's next" I ask myself
"I have no idea" is all I learn
The need to know drives my comfort
The zone beyond which danger lies
The zone ever expanding if I do things "right"
Static or shrinking should I get it "wrong"
I have the power
More than I need
I wield it like I'm scared I'll damage myself
Can I damage myself?
Is there worse than this?
I feel damaged, too damaged to handle
I feel useless, too useless to help myself
I feel lonely, too lonely to talk to anyone
I feel pointless, so why would anyone bother
"We can rebuild him" pop culture once said
How many pieces are needed?
Are spare parts available?
Is a replacement possible?
Not fit for purpose if you ask me
But don't ask me what that purpose is
"Operating within normal parameters"
But what is normal anyway?
Maybe this is how I'm supposed to be
Maybe this is the point
Maybe this is how I'm supposed to feel
Maybe I just am, and it just is
I started using a website called 750words.com yesterday, and since I returned from Wagamama I've been typing what I wrote into that site as today's entry. The idea is that you write 750 words daily, privately and unfiltered. I've been writing privately at least once a day for a little while now, but 750words builds a fantastic page of statistics by analysing what you write each day so I'm switching to using that rather than my old system. You can then share the stats publicly, so if you're curious you can view the stats on this post.